The Mormon Prophet
The Mormon Prophet can provide the guidance that is missing from your day-to-day life, with his searing visions of the future. For ethical reasons, his identity remains a secret, and he is yet to participate in a lesbian threesome.
The Prophet is well pleased with the success of his recent prediction that the Spice Girls will split up. With Geri gone and Sporty rumoured to be next, he retains an even greater confidence than usual in his vision. Accordingly, the prophecies:
- Queensland premier Rob Borbidge will form an unholy alliance with One Nation, creating a powerful "cowpat constituency".
- Gus will eat a chicken and whitloff quiche on a plane trip.
- Many English people will be deported from Paris for rioting during the World Cup. Most of them will be called Kevin, Barry and John.
And finally, a cautionary tale. The Prophet's Sunday sleep was recently interrupted by two Jehovah's Witnesses, who attempted to con the Prophet into buying a $1 book by prophesying the end of the world. To them the Prophet said: "The world has been pretty shitty for a long time, so why do you think this is going to happen now?" They left after that.
Sometime in the future, it will rain.
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