Ask the Microsoft Assistant

Ed note: Quite some time ago, Gusworld decided to try asking the Microsoft Assistant Help feature in Office 97 a series of intimate and embarrassing personal questions. These are the actual results.

How can I save my marriage?

You can protect your work by using AutoRecover to save a temporary copy of a document periodically as you work, or by saving a backup copy of the document each time you save it. To recover work after a power failure or similar problem, you must have the Save AutoRecover info every check box or the Always create backup copy check box (or both) selected on the Save tab in the Options dialog box (Tools menu) before the problem occurs. If needed, set the AutoRecover save interval to occur more frequently than every 10 minutes.

My wife doesn't love me anymore.

I don't know what you mean. Please rephrase your question.

I suspect that she may be having an affair with my friend Bill. What should I do?

If you've already inserted merge fields in the main document, the field names used in the header row of the new data source must match the merge fields in the main document.

What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

To perform simple arithmetic operations or calculate mathematical expressions, use the = (Formula) field. You can use the = (Formula) field with bookmarks in text and with cell references in tables.

I lost my job, my wife left me and I have a drinking problem. At the moment I can't think of a reason to go on living. What should I do?

Make sure the pointer is over the selected text when you try to drag it.

Why can't I find a man?

Use the following tips to make sure you've correctly specified the search text or formatting in the Find what box (Find or Replace dialog box, Edit menu). If you don't see some of the dialog box options listed below, click More.

How can I stop the other kids at school picking on me because I'm fat?

By default, linked objects are set for automatic updating. This means that Word automatically updates the linked information every time you open the destination file, or any time the source file changes when the destination file is open. If you prefer, you can change a linked object's setting to manual updating. That way, the linked object is updated only when you specifically request it.

How important is penis size?

When you select a drawing object, sizing handles appear at the corners and along the edges of the selection rectangle. You can resize an object by dragging its sizing handles, or you can resize it more precisely by specifying a percentage for the object's height and width.

How can I make my girlfriend orgasm?

Position the insertion point where you want to insert the organization chart. On the Insert menu, click Object, and then click the Create New tab.

I've been pleading with my children to study, but they don't take any notice.

The Pleading Wizard helps you create pleading documents and set up templates for each court. You can then base future pleadings on these templates. The wizard helps you create the structure, layout, and formatting for legal pleadings, including line numbering, page size, left and right borders, and signature blocks.

The Microsoft Assistant is a damn cute piece of technology that appears on over 10 million syndicated computers nationally. If you would like to ask Microsoft Assistant a question, you need serious help. Purchase a copy of Office 97 from any computer retailer, or download a pirate copy here.

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