THIS RANT 04/10/96
Rant Of The Day is where I get to mouth off about whatever I feel like for however long I like. Theoretically, I'll update my whinge/opinion piece every weekday; in practice, maybe not so often.
Safe-T Man: Your superior bodyguard
Regular viewers of the late, lamented Denton on Channel Seven will need no introduction to Safe-T Man, the life-size rubber man you sit in your car to convince potential nasties that you're accompanied by a brutish life-size rubber man. He made his first Denton appearance in Amanda Keller's regular Sampling segment, but his appeal was clearly too broad to be restricted to that single showing. Safe-T Man ended up doing everything from impersonating Elvis to sleeping with Ms Keller, and survived to become a regular face in the Denton cast (as well as saving a heap on props and actors).
Now, Denton may have been an influential show in its way. For instance, Channel Nine cut down dramatically on their Ray Martin specials once Denton was doing similar interview shows; the contrast in abilities between the Betied One and the Blonde One was remarkable, even to those of us who already hated the former. However, one thing it didn't do was send Safe-T Man's manufacturer into receivership. I know this, because a Sky Mall catalogue I picked up on my recent US trip advertises a new, improved model. I'll let it speak for itself:
Designed as a visual deterrent, Safe-T Man is a life-size, simulated male, that appears to be 180 lbs. and 6 ft. tall, to give others the impression that you have the protection of a male guardian with you while at home alone or driving in your car. This unique security device looks incredibly real, with a positionable latex head and hands, air-brushed facial highlights, and salt-and-pepper hair. Made of the highest-quality, inflatible PVC vinyl, he weighs just 7lbs and can be dressed according to your own personal style and preference. When not keeping vigil over your well-being, he can be deflated, stored and transported inconspicuously in the optional tote bag. Comes with a repair patch.
There's so much going on here, I barely know where to start. Let's go over the key points, one by one:
- Safe-T Man is a life-size, simulated male, that appears to be 180 lbs. and 6 ft. tall: Since most inflatable people are incapable of standing up, how can we tell?
- . . . give others the impression that you have the protection of a male guardian with you while at home alone . . . : Just how, precisely? Prop him up conspicuously in a lighted window? Climb on top of him in full view of the neighbours and pretend to go the full act? Stage phony arguments through the clever use of ventriloquism?
- This unique security device looks incredibly real, with a positionable latex head and hands, air-brushed facial highlights, and salt-and-pepper hair: The number of men with positionable latex heads is growing daily, but air-brushed facial highlights are no substitute for a real face. Several women interviewed by Gusworld also expressed concern at the salt-and-pepper highlights, preferring a younger man for greater deterrent value. One even suggested Safe-T Samoan would be more appropriate.
- He can be dressed according to your own personal style and preference: Translation: they're too cheap to provide clothing. We would suggest that a nude Safe-T Man would not prove an effective security system, although he could make a stunning centrepiece for your dining table.
- Comes with a repair patch: The opportunities for being crass with this sentence are too limitless to make it really satisfying.
If you still want Safe-T Man after all that, be prepared to pay. He's $US99.95, the optional tote-bag (in zippered vinyl) is $24.95, and the suspiciously-named "Easy Dual-Action Inflator Pump" is $US9.95. May the rubber be with you.
Click here to contact Gus
Go back up a level
Return to Gusworld Central