The art of writing badly has its rules too.

Published in The Bulletin, July 28 2004

Aussies performed "well" in the 2004 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, picking up two category wins and three dishonourable mentions in the annual battle to write the worst possible opening sentence for a novel. Yet national pride won't be satisfied until we can claim the overall prize. What are the secrets of an appalling opener? From this year's entries, we have spotted four key rules for turning a phrase from stunning to stupefying.

(1) Muddled metaphors. The year's overall winner compared the ending of a love affair with Martha Stewart de-veining a prawn. Martha could well be in prison when next year's contest rolls around, which opens up even more possibilities for tastelessness and stupidity - for example, " … shackled like Martha is to her cell-mate Arthur …"

(2) Lose the plot. Diversions, non sequiturs and general rambling are essential tools for turning readers off. South Australian Georgia Gowing hit the mark by comparing a group of lawyers to crows, "or perhaps ravens since they are of course the larger bird and some of these lawyers were fairly sizeable". Generally, anything about lawyers will turn readers off.

(3) Get the nudity in early. Victorian Michelle Hefner and ACT resident Ben Connelly made sure their protagonists were stripped, sweaty and in some distress. Of course it helps if, like Hefner, your lead character has just been abducted by aliens, but any combination of nakedness and absurdity will help, though names such as Russ Hinze and Kim Beazley are best avoided.

(4) Add more words. The average length for this year's winning sentences was just under 64 words, so take every opportunity to throw in extra adjectives. There are notable exceptions. Geoff Blackwell from Queensland forged a winning combination in only 14 words: "The day dawned much like any other day, except that the date was different."