Don't Ask Bill

Bill Gates pens a semi-monthly column which is distributed to more than 120 newspapers internationally through the New York Times Syndicate. The column alternates essay and question and answer formats. Topics and questions come directly from readers. But we don't care, so we thought we'd take some of the questions and then make up all of the answers.

Essay Column	Q&A Column 'Ask Bill'
Oh please, be serious. Like I would want to waste my time throwing together some half-baked column when I have an entire company to attend to. Get a clue. Wibble wibble wibble	Ask Bill Q&A: an insane Gothchick writes (15/11/96): Q. Is it really necessary to separate my whites and my colours in this age of colourfast materials? A. Silly, you don't own any white clothes. They're all black. Actually this is almost as stupid as the real questions I get. Ask Bill Q&A: A sex-starved nympho writes (11/15/96): Q. How big is your schlong, really? A. Bigger than Batman, baby. Ask Bill Q&A: a subliterate moron writes (96-11-15): Q. Would you speak to the benefits of gathering information by reading (in all kinds of media), and the benefits of acquiring good reading skills? A. I wouldn't speak to them because they are intangible objects. Jesus, what sort of idiot writes in and rabbits on about the benefits of reading when they can't even string a sentence together? Fuck off, you shit me. Ask Bill Q&A: a historian writes (86-75-309): Q. Who are your heroes, and how have they influenced you? A. I used to like Wonder Woman but now I'm into Mussolini who had a lot of good ideas but was greatly misunderstood in his time. Ask Bill Q&A: a deformed frog writes (66-66-66): Q. Do you read your own email? A. No, but I read the email of selected Microsoft employees. Don't think I don't know they're watching me. Ask Bill Q&A: a computer science teacher writes (11-10-11): Q. I am a computer science teacher. We're trying to get an Internet connection in our school, but some administrators do not want it because it is unregulated and they fear pornography on the Net. I believe the benefits of the Internet are greater than the problems. What is your opinion? A. Listen lady, from my experience of these situations your precious administrators have had their goddam Internet connection for years now and they've been getting their collective rocks off every day salivating over porno sites like Hot Juicy Babes and they just don't want a nosey parker frigid bitch like you spoiling their fun just because you're not getting any. Ask Bill Q&A: Fuckface writes (ER/ER/OL): Q. Please explain more about your use of 486 computer and ISDN at home. A. I've told you before Fuckface. Ask Bill Q&A: a linguist writes (21/7=3): Q. Who coined the name 'Microsoft?' A. I did, OK? I'm a genius, got it? See I was the only person on earth who could think of combining the words Microcomputer and software Ask Bill Q&A: his wife writes (14/02/97): Q. Dear Bill: Please, please tell me now! Is there something I should know? Is there something I should say that'll make you come my way? Do you feel the same? Cause you don't let it show. Love, Lindy. A. Actually, I'm more of a 10,000 Maniacs fan. And come on, what more could you want out of life? And what's my daughter's name again? Can someone please explain the reason for this strange behaviour?
Email Bill with your Question for the Real Column askbill@microsoft.com Be warned, his answer may not be as amusing, but he sure knows how to roll in those bucks, and there's a slight risk he might take you seriously.

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